I’ve been spending every day at hospice to see my mother. Not wanting to miss a moment of time with her, not wanting to have any regrets of “I wish I would have told her this” or “I should have said that” after she’s gone, I’ve been by her side daily telling her I love her and that I know she loves me. Today however was different. Today I asked everyone to leave the room and I spent some quality time with my mother alone.
One never knows just how they’ll deal with death…their own death, the death of a loved one, etc. I sure never knew. Prior to this, the hardest thing I ever witnessed was the death of my grandmother (my mother’s mother) and seeing my mom upset and wanting to take that pain away from her. This obviously takes the cake as I reflect upon the fact that my mother, my best friend is about to depart and seeing the sadness all around because of all the people that she’s touched in her life.
It’s been an interesting progression over the past quarter of a year since she was first diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Sadness. Numbness. Confusion. Pondering how my life will change, pondering what I should do next in life. Instead of recounting the past three months however I will instead talk about how I am at peace right now as I have told my mother a few times today that it’s ok for her to go now.
Honestly, I’m a bit surprised at how much at peace I am at right now. I feel I have had the opportunity to tell her everything I want before she leaves us. I’ve been able to tell her how much I love her and that I know she loves me. I also told her that it’s ok to go. I told her I’d be ok and not to worry about me. I told her that her mom was waiting for her and that she needs to play in the garden with her. However, what surprised me a bit more was that after I was done reassuring her that it was ok to go, I found myself telling her that she needed to go. That she needs to get away from that nasty cancer and be free…free to look over my father and I. I told her not to hold on any longer…that it’s about her and that she needs to go.
After all that I took a walk. I thought about what I felt as I sat there while I was holding her hand and talking to her. I honestly believe that she’s about ready to go and is simply waiting for me to head home for the night and for my two aunts (two of her sisters that have been keeping watch over her) to go to bed. I know my mom and she hates seeing other people hurt. With the only activity in the room being two sleeping sisters I believe she’ll feel comfortable enough to slip away to the next realm. I thought about this on my walk. I felt at peace with the fact I may not have my mother around tomorrow. It’s ok that she moves on because I know she will always be with me. I know that she won’t have to be frustrated being trapped in that body that has kept her down. It’s an interesting peace to be at. I will miss my mother dearly but I know it is time for her to go and be the best guardian angel I could ask for.
