Hi Mom,
It’s Mother’s Day 2012, my third Mother’s Day without you. Let me start off by saying I miss you so terribly much. So much has happened in the years that passed since you were taken from us. So much to tell, both good and bad. You were the best mother I can ever imagine having and I guess that’s why I wanted to share EVERYTHING with you. I’m glad I disobeyed you on Mother’s Day 2009 when you told me not to come over because you were feeling like crap. We didn’t know you had cancer yet, we just knew you weren’t feeling well. I showed you though…I came over and we had an enjoyable day together. I am VERY glad I did that…
Like I said Mom, I miss you terribly. Fear not though…I don’t dwell on it. Your great motherly advice about not dwelling on the bad or not dwelling on things that you can’t change usually sticks with me. I do miss picking up the phone and calling you at the first sign of news (again…good or bad, you were my go-to gal!).
I do want you to know things are better than they were when you left us. I fear that the condition of my life weighed heavy on you in your last days and I really really hope that you know, as usual, I would overcome. I grabbed another job after you passed (I sure didn’t want one while you were sick…didn’t want to miss any days with you). Granted, that unscrupulous businessman that put me deeper into debt still owes me gobs of money but I’m managing to survive despite that. I do love the nickname you came up for him…heh heh, you always knew how to put a funny spin on anything.
There are so many things I walk around thinking “geeze, I wish I could show Mom this”. Like LocaJot, the iPhone app Aken and I put out. I know you would have been so supportive as we went through the entire process together, learning as we went, and creating something cool. I created something cool, in your honor, and just like you enjoyed doing…creating. Sometimes when I’m walking around my new neighborhood or house I think “geeze, Ma would love these windows” or “I know Ma would go nuts on this yard”.
See, that’s just it Mom, I’ve always wanted to make you proud. Growing up, I wasn’t too terribly bad…not because fear of punishment but because I wanted nothing more than your prideful hugs, your words of encouragement and praise, and to make you proud. THAT is the sign of a good mother, and you certainly were one.
Doing my best to brush off the bad and take the best out of any situation. Your death has been and forever will be the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I will make you proud however in how I handle this as well as other times of adversity. You’ll love this…I moved in with Dad for a bit after you were gone. As you can imagine, there were times of tension here and there. However, after it was all said and done, we are closer than we have ever been in my entire life. We’ve both learned a lot from you, and also share the same loss. It’s another one of those things I wish you could see…but I do have the feeling you know it already. You always had that keen insight…and I know you’re looking down on us and continuing to guide us when our eyes and hearts are open.
Thank you Mom. Thank you for EVERYTHING. You always made sure I was fed and clothed. You ALWAYS made sure I felt loved. You showed me how to be self-sufficient and you showed me that not only is it ok to be different, but that it’s actually a good thing. You taught me how to laugh in the face of adversity, to buckle down and work hard, to love without remorse, and to see the beauty in practically everything out there. These are the signs of an amazing mother and you clearly were…and still are, the best.
I love you Mom.
One of my favorite pictures of my mom and I. Nothing but love as she tries to smush food all over my face.
